I HATE NEW YORK!!!

The theme of this blog post is simple. If you don't read a single word past the title, you will have still gotten the gist. There would be nothing that would give me more satisfaction at this point in time that beating the crap out of their overpaid, overrated, over-publicized trend of a team. Saying I was excited, amped or juiced for this series would be an understatement.
Plus, I think A-Rod's been juiced enough for the both of us. Anyways, without further ado, I will give you a list of random things I hate about New York. After all, I have to kill the painful hours of anticipation for game 1 of the Fall Classic.

WHY I HATE NY:

1) The Yankees
2) The Mets
3) Mr. Met
4-8) The Giants, Jets, Rangers, Knicks, and yes even the lowly Islanders...and this doesn't include the hatred I have for specific New York athletes
9) The accents are despicable, they make me want to vomit then go on a tongue- removing spree
10) The way they think they're the only city to do Pizza right. Yes it's good, but it's also absurdly overrated
11) Sex and the City is based there. It perpetuates hundreds of myths about the city.
12) Everything's overpriced, EVERYTHING
13) I hate the fact that I enjoy the tune and beat in that stupid Jay-Z/Alicia Keys song. I am officially riding the hate train away from that.
14) The traffic is worse than Philly
15) I hate that I can never remember all 5 boroughs of the stupid city
16) I hate the term "Big Apple", and hope their big apple gets worm infested
17) I hate all the gay trends that start in New York, fashion or otherwise
18) I hate that Derek Jeter has become this baseball legend and everyone has to gush over him at all times. If you don't then you're not a true baseball fan. Kiss my big fat Liberty Bell Derek!!!
19) Eli Manning
20) Super Bowl XLII
21) Michael Stahan's sitcom
22) I hate the idea that Philadelphia has a Napoleon complex because it lives in the shadow of NYC. We don't have a Napoleon complex, we just know an overrated city full of people who talk like idiots when we come across one.
23) I hate Yankees hats. 1 out of every 134 people wearing a Yanks cap could tell you half their starting lineup. Whyyyyyy do I have to see them everywhere I go?
24) I hate the concept of the Subway series. We get it. The NY teams are playing each other and everyone is gagaga for the next bunch of games.
25) I hate that people always talk about how many talented people come from New York. Such a breeding ground for stardom. Well let's see here. You guys have more than 8 million people in the damn city, and have 2.5 times more people than the second largest city in the country. Just playing the odds, I'm going to say it's not that unnatural that alot of famous people would come from NY.
26) I hate the obnoxious morning shows that air live from New York, with people waiting in the blistering cold for a chance to get their "creative" sign on national television.
27) I hate the Spike Lee movies I've seen, and I can't stomach having to see his mug sitting courtside 800 times per Knicks game.
28) I hate the fact that the Meadowlands is actually in New Jersey, even though it plays home to both New York football teams.
29) It's an obvious one, but who doesn't hate the New York baseball squads for buying their teams.

OK....that's all I'm putting down for right now. Plenty more where that came from, but for now, I'm way to anxious to be sitting at a computer pecking away...

GAME 1......

LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Halloween Skankiness

It's your favorite time of the year hoe-bags. It's that one day of the year where 96.4% of the female population decide that it's ok, nay encouraged, to dress like prostitutes. Whether you're a cop, a nurse, or a disney princess, chances are you're going to look looser than a defensive scheme in the NBA when October 31st rolls around.

It's really strange how excited the majority of girls get about looking slutty one day a year, while bitching about the lack of respect men show them the other 364. Yes, you will get some wandering male eyes and probably a few cat calls, but is that type of "show-it-off" personality going to get a decent man to get down on one knee anytime soon? I'm going to say no. And while the degree of skankiness a girl's costume has may not be completely proportional to the percentage chance she has of tying the knot, it definitely doesn't separate her from the crowd.

Does it bother me that females choose to dress like brothel workers on the Devil's day? No, not at all. As a matter of fact it makes alot of sense to me in the big scheme of things. That said, though you may catch a glance from me since I am both male and human, you will not be given the time of day. Why? Doing the female halloween norm with your costume is, whether inadvertant or not, telling me one of the following things about you:

1) You lack originality or are downright lazy- I've been to places the last 3 years where there have been tons of slutty nurses, hoards of skanky policewomen, and even multiple Snow White hookers in the same stinking party! Also, it takes a pretty cool chick to come out in something creative that can get a guys (or anyone's) attention without looking like a dancer in a bad-rap music video.

2) You are, in fact, a real life Slutty McSleepAround- I mean with some girls on Halloween, what you see from their costume choice is what you get. Easy costume, Eaaaaaasier female.

3) You're a slave to (whorish) convention/ You desperately need attention- It takes stones to dress differently then a group of friends, and girls are always rolling out in packs these days. And when you're in a pack, drawing attention is usually about who is the most over-the-top slutty looking. There's just never enough attention to go around, especially at costume parties.

4) I'm not writing any more, but I do get bonus points here for making the items in #3 rhyme.


Anyways, I felt like I should write about this now, because when Halloween rolls around, the only attire that matters is jerseys, cleats and gloves. I am officially transitioning into REPEAT-mindset, and if you aren't prefacing whatever it is you want to talk to me about with a Phillies related comment, chances are it will fall on deaf ears. 4 MORE WINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNS!

The Most Annoying Question Ever

Maybe it's just me, but one of the most annoying questions a person can ask me is "who all is going to be there?" There are many variations to this question, but all of them are aimed at the same underlying objective of getting a guest list for the evening.

There are many reasons this pisses me off, and I'm sure I've aggravated others by asking it myself at some point. Let me run down a few:
- In some indirect way it implies that the person being asked the question isn't by themselves worthy of the company of the asker. It's an obscure, maybe subconscious way of dissin a homie.
- These questions are usually asked during the day, at a time when people are trying to get their work done, not give a list of "attendings", "not attendings", and "maybe attendings".
- It's such a cop-out to wait until you find out what everyone else is doing to make plans. If everyone were always like that, groups of people would just sit around in a circle and ultimately do nothing with their free time.

There are 3 people when it comes to making plans. 1) The Idea people. The ones that figure out the plan options for making it a good night. 2) The "I'm in for whatever" people. These guys just want to know where people will be, but they're going to be agreeable with whatever's going on. 3) The Usually Unsatisfied Crowd. This group not only will complain about a plan but then compound the issue by bringing no other viable alternatives to the table. Since they are so rarely satisfied, ya just gotta bang out plans with no regard for their unrealistic expectations.

Some people fit strongly into one group, but for the most part, we've all been a part of all 3 groups throughtout our teens and twenties. And sure, as is always the case, there are exceptions to the rule. Not everyone is looking for the "coolest" thing to do that night or the hippest crowd to hang with. Some people, on rare occasion, just ask the question because it sounds like a natural follow-up question in a convo about the nights agenda. I guess, on even rarer occasions, a person needs a number so they know how much salsa to buy so the crowd isn't eating straight tortilla chips for too long. But come on, do we really need to ask this question as much as we do? People need to learn to commit to something and then if some people don't like it, they can come up with their own scheme and sell it to others. A little give-and-take action. Let's make the world a less obnoxious place, shall we?

I Should've Done this a Long Time Ago

The past 50 hours of my life have brought me to a crossroads of sorts. I found myself looking in the mirror last night, realizing I was a different man.

It started becoming apparent on Sunday, although the seeds of change were planted sporadically throughout the past decade. I watched the most hideous, embarrassing, indefensible, joke of a football team disgrace our city name. There was absolutely no excusing the performance of the coach, quarterback, and offensive line from 4-7:30. Luckily for Philadelphia, the only game that would end up mattering did not involve a quarterback named Jamarcus.

That's right, the Phightin Phillies took care of business in game 3, and did so with authority, outscoring their football counterpart 11 runs to 9 points on the day. The game gave me some momentum going into an awful, awful week. But they didn't stop there. After all, game 3 was only 20 hours away. After a Monday packed with technical problems and school projects I booked it on foot from Temple to Center City, and made it just in time for opening pitch. (Side note: Clutch friend of the Week award goes to Buzz Proctor, who not only has made my car situation infinitely better, but also psychically knew where I was hoping to watch the Phils -Westy's- and got a group there last second. Incredible effort sir!) I could talk for hours about how great of a game it was, the good guys winning on J-Roll's walk off double in the bottom of the 9th. The thing that was more significant than the win itself though, was the situation surrounding it. The team is full of lovable, never-quit guys, who are fun to watch and don't come across like pompous douchebags (See Philadelphia Eagles of 2009). When Jimmy slayed that fastball, everyone in Westy's went ballistic, and I picked up 3 random strangers and ran around with each one on my shoulder. Could the Eagles ever provide this much excitement? Maybe they could, but probably not for a few reasons. First off the team chokes in the clutch whenever they play a good opponent, so late, dramatic, come-from-behind wins would be highly unlikely. Secondly, after Dawkins departure, it's not easy to really passionately love anyone on the team. I would've left a girlfriend at home to go out with B-Dawk. Same with pretty much everyone on the Phils entire roster. That's not the case with the Birds. A team's connection with a fan base is so absurdly significant. The Phils organization "gets it". The self proclaimed "gold standard" of football, does not.

Listen, football's still my favorite sport. In my personal opinion, it's the best sport by a landslide. But this obnoxious group of birds has given way to a changing of the guard. I should've made this declaration after 2008, when they broke the Championship drought in our city, and delivered a parade. Still, better late than never:

The Philadelphia Phillies officially hold the title of my favorite sports franchise, and right now, like a McNabb pass last Sunday, it's not even close.

Diversifying my Tongue

I wish I was fluent in a foreign language. I would constantly talk in it. I would make everyone I was close to learn it also, so we could just have lengthy conversations about how ugly, stupid, and just generally intolerable other human beings are, while said people standing mere feet away.

Right now, I'm at the Temple Tech Center, which for the record I hate, listening to two Indians talking with each other, undoubtedly about how the milky-white male next to them could have possibly gotten so lanky and awkward. Well, probably not, but if they were they'd certainly be getting away with it, just one of those fantastic things about not being restricted to English as an American.

Aside from the benefit of taking under-the-radar shots at people who are right in front of you, I think being fluent in a foreign language would take my game to the next level. Frankly, it would take any person's game to the next level. There's a mystique that comes with those new accents, and new dialects breed new mystery within someone of the opposite sex. Not to mention, it just sounds smooth, the with each new language learned a person's game increases accordingly.

Just a few other thoughts before I take a stab at schoolwork...
In Brad We Trust. Brad Lidge has gotten the job, however brief, accomplished so far. Until further notice, I trust him. He may not be the Brad of 2008, but he's still a close personal friend of mine, and I will support him for the long haul.......Man, I love Philadelphia. I just do. It's a great place to be happy, it's a great place to be miserable. No place like it on earth.....Got a class tonight that the teacher is not going to be there for, he informed us last week. He wants us to attend and hold class anyway, and ya know what, I'll be there. Probably the first professor at Temple I've really appreciated. It just goes to show that you don't have to be a pretentious authoritative douche to earn the respect of your students......I eat grapenuts for breakfast most mornings. Does that make me old?....ok time to go, the Indian kids next to me are watching a "Mean Girls" clip on youtube, and needless to say, I am way to distracted to finish this entry in a creative fashion. Peace!

Pizza is Yummy (part 2?)

I'm sure I've written about this before, but who cares. It's a topic that needs to be addressed on a regular basis, if by none other than yours truly. Is there anything better than pizza? Maybe one or two things in the entire world, but as far as the realm of food reaches, it just cannot be topped.

I was watching some of what I hoped would be the Phillies NLDS clinching game tonight at work, and was pretty much completely distracted by a box of the good stuff. Let me break this down for you to emphasize my point...
TIME: 6:54pm
SETTING: College dorm building. College campuses generally don't have the best pizza. Let's face it, the stuff is serviceable, it's entire reason for existence is to be eaten late-night when anything warm will do the trick.
ACTIVITY: Watching a Philly team who has the chance of repeating as World Champions in their clinching game of their first playoff series in 2009. This is serious business.
HUNGER STATUS: Ate some carrots, a hearty sandwich and an orange...5 minutes before the devilish coeds busted out their seduction pie. (No that is not a euphemism, and if it were, it would be a disturbing one)
INTERNAL DEBATE: Should I ask these random girls for a slice of their money? Should I just hope that they are trying to avoid the freshman-15 and actually have leftovers? Should I take it by force and possibly face a triple homicide case? Should I just get my own pie delivered and just demolish it like a world-class competitive eater?

All these factors must be taken into account if we are going to accurately depict pizza's awesomeness. I love the Phils, they're in the playoffs, I just ate dinner, the pizza is probably mediocre at best, the pizza is not mine, and it's thoroughly consuming my brain's every thought. I give you exhibit A.

On to exhibit B. This past summer. I celebrated the 3-year anniversary of the Domino's delivery guy getting robbed at gunpoint on my front porch. Domino's pizza is not great by any stretch of the imagination, but still, it is pizza, and when I looked out my window that summer night to see what all the commotion was after the doorbell originally rung, I knew the thief wanted more than cash.
"He just stole our pizza!! I shouted in disbelief, holding the cheesy bread that fell by the welcome mat in the scuffle. Of course he stole the pizza too. Could you blame the guy?

Speaking of crimes regarding 'Za (TM Jake Kurz), I texted a friend regarding their 'Za feelings, believing at one point that they told me it was overrated. Big mistake. I felt like a complete moron when they responded with a simple, "Love Pizza. Could eat it every meal" text. Did I really just accuse someone of saying pizza was overrated? That's defamation in all 49 U.S. states. It may be in Jersey too for that matter, but why soil a tasty blog with a reference to something tasteless. I digress...Sorry friend. I will find the real culprit even if it takes the rest of my life to do so.

Why? It's simple actually.

Pizza=Yummy

Running past Running mouths

Weekdays from 7-7, I have little connection with human beings. Since I'm anti-social at Temple and have obligations to fulfill in the breaks between classes, my brief moments of "contact" with the outside world are when I'm sprinting around the streets of Fairmount.

I should preface what I'm about to say (probably unecessarily) by mentioning that I hate the idea of working out with someone else. There's 3 different workout "looks" that I have when in the midst of a grueling regime.
1) Psychologically disturbed serial killer.
2) Mel Gibson in the Patriot when he found out what the British had done to his Fam.
3) Man trying to audition for a "no pain, no gain"-themed gatorade commercial.

These looks serve a much higher purpose than merely flattering me. They draw attention from people I pass on my journey, which on occasion leads to some form of comment directed at me. Today I got 2, neither of which was a sarcastic "Ruuun Forrest, ruuuun" which I have no joke received at least 3 times in my running career. People's creativity never ceases to amaze me.

Today's comments?
"Dat N*gga Truckin" - I'm not gonna lie, this one kind of made me feel good. I was indeed truckin, and it was to get some reinforcement that my desire was visible...at least that's how I took it.

"You should start...uuuuh, stop, running before you get a heart attack" - This one made little sense to me, but I politely told him I wasn't getting a heart attack for at least another decade. Unless Thunderbird gets 25cent wing nights going again. If that happens, all bets are off that I live past 28.

I will conclude this blog with a picture of Homer Simpson running, because, well, I really don't feel like coming up with anything more creative at the moment. Homer's money, and I'm sure that I resemble him in some ways when I am trekking through the hood...