That's right faithful blog-browser, you are about to get the recipe for making your own Cosmopolitan, the magazine not the drink **although consumption of either in large quantities may result in looking/sounding less intelligent** Ingredients:
• 1 female celebrity showing off her flawless looks with a smile that says, "Look, I'm a simple girl just like you, even though you'll never achieve my social status. Let's read Cosmo together!"
• 3 flashy colors highlighting exaggerated font sizes that will catch the eye of a passing shopper
• 5 Sex related stories with edgy headlines that will arouse your curiosity AND his!
(Other examples of acceptable headlines include: "69 ways to WOW him in the bedroom" or "13 moves that will make him feel lucky" or "10 sexy tricks that will make you a 10 in the sac")
• 8 Love/Dating Tip stories that girls believe will really be the "end all, be all" to developing a successful relationship
• 3 Fitness/Fashion stories to give females everywhere false hope that doing 5 minutes of Cosmo-recommended exercises will give you the same body as that celebrity who pays for personal trainers and dietitians/cooks
• 4 Hunks of the Month to give their "expert" advice about what men really want
Directions:
•Superimpose photograph of hot celebrity babe so that her perfect head is covering the "OPO" in the middle of the word "Cosmopolitan". Girls are already hooked, they know what magazine it is already!
•Look at old issues of the magazine and re-word the cover stories
•Fill stories with quotes from "real" people and even realer doctors, with ground-breaking insights such as, "research shows that men think about sex" or "studies suggest that women are generally the more emotional of the two sexes"
•Sell 75% of the pages in your magazine to advertisers who hope to rope in young girls with empty promises
So why am I such an expert in the field of Cosmo mag, you ask? Well, back in the day, on slow Saturdays when I worked at the neighborhood pharmacy with my boy Shawn, we used to pick the magazine apart to kill time. After a few months passed and we digested our share of articles (and hangover-curing gatorades) we became Cosmo connoisseurs. On top of knowing the magazine, we studied female response to it when they saw the pharmacy had it in stock. Some would pick it up, flip through while waiting for their ortho-tricyclen, then put it down and go on their merry way, contraceptives in hand. Others would be so entranced they would have to buy the jawn. So don't say I don't have credentials to write an article on the mag.
Look, I got no beef with Cosmo. It's kind of like the female version of Maxim or Men's Health I guess. I actually get a laugh or 7 every time I take a peek at the latest recycled material. I've just been thinking recently about how easy it is to formulate a plan to draw money from a certain demographic. Cosmo is the perfect example of suckering in one type of spending population by being the first in the field. Eventually, I'm going to get an idea as downright simple as the Cosmo formula and make bank. Either that or I'll do something constructive for society.
Well, I'm going to stop writing because, to no one's surprise, I'm rambling without real purpose at this point. Just remember the next time you pick up that second-rate publication that yours truly may be writing a piece in it entitled "Seventeen scintillating suggestions to spice up your sex-savvy psyche"...or something like that. I'm outta here, like Vladimir.
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